I remember my mum always saying to me when things got a little tricky with me growing up, “well, you’re in-between” (two ages or stages), and that was that. She was letting me know that I wasn’t able go or to do whatever it was that I thought I was capable of. Refusing to be held back, I was always straining ahead of my own age group. I had three older sisters. Two were much older and were already out of the house. One had been married since I was six. Another sister, closer in age, was a tantalising and frustrating four years older and therefore unreachable when the gap widened when she reached her teens. Life for me was a race to ‘catch up’. Now that I think of it, this is probably what caused me a lot of grief in my early life. I took risks that were not calculated. Impulsive and impatient, I ran into adult life. When you’re young, you just can’t wait.
I married and had three children in quick succession in my mid twenties. For a lot of people, this is the busiest time of their lives. Some of us get married and have children and have careers and this is what consumes us for the better part of 30+ years. There’s not much time for reflection. Time is measured by your kids’ ages. When you find yourself in the second half of life, it is a jolt. You ask yourself, did I do what I set out to do? Did I achieve more, or less? I could write a whole lot about that stage. In fact, there are many books written devoted to this subject. Mid life crisis is what it is called. It sounds alarming, and it is. It feels like the mid-life express where suddenly you are aware that you are half way to the finish line. It’s a reckoning and a ‘looking back over your shoulder’ to what could have been or what you still feel unfulfilled in. It can propel you forward or backward. It is a chance to unpack your suitcase and see what’s in there, what you need and what you can let go. So on you go. You ignore the aging thing and try a gym, if only to achieve getting back into those skinny jeans, hopefully without straining a muscle.
Now, I’m in the beginning stages of what is euphemistically called the ‘afternoon of life’. I’m at this other ‘stage’ (thanks ma). On my worst days, it feels like redundancy. I’ve decided it’s not. More like transition. Which is a nicer word but I’m not really sure from what and where to.
Carl Jung said “The afternoon of life is just as full of meaning as the morning; only, it’s meaning and purpose are different…”
Somehow, 20 or so years back when my focus was still on other things, I thought life would magically become more manageable. ‘Manageable’ is what you crave when you are constantly chasing money or raising kids or that elusive holiday. Life would be ‘settled’ at a later time. A couple of definitions: ‘to settle means to resolve something or to feel familiar with somewhere and calm down. Or, to put in order and arrange things or arrive at a desired state’. Yes….this is what we wanted when life was chaotic. But now that it’s not, ‘settling’ seems like an anathema. No longer in a hurry to ‘arrive’. I want time to slow down, to do everything that is on my proverbial list. Like that African Safari or dance on some grapes with my bare feet in Sicily. Develop a liking for Ouzo and sardines and live on a Greek Island. (I’m not really that keen on sardines) Write that book, sail that boat, take that sculpture class or whatever.
Herein lies the tension. When we allow our thoughts to travel down this path of desires and dreams, we can sometimes hit a wall of reasons why we can’t. There are people out there that are well adjusted and fulfilled, I’m sure, who might be able to sail through life, busy and happy. Good for them. But I’m not one of them. Experience can teach us many things along the way in life but we haven’t the all the answers, mostly just excuses, for what lies between us and just doing it. I remember my mum saying in her last year of life that she had wanted to do so much more. That, haunted me for a long time. I no longer think any one of us will arrive at a time where we feel all is done and dusted, that we have nothing left to do. Just as well.
What I’m finding is this. When life delivers you that curve ball, or you are finding yourself at a cross road, with no idea what to do next, firstly, resist the temptation to run fast into the next thing. You have been presented with an opportunity to pause and listen. Invest in some soul-searching. I am reading some brilliant blogs and books and finding so much appreciation of the wisdom that’s out there. I don’t feel alone, or ostracized from the younger women of today who inspire me to stay curious. I now resist putting myself in a category. At any time (and age) of our lives, we can come up against ourselves and the limitations we impose. We need to explore and challenge ourselves, not because of someone else’s needs, but our own.
Steve Jobs in his commencement speech at Stanford University 2005 said this,
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” He finished off his speech with these four words, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish”
I would like to also add this to my little offering, and end with this quote from a beautiful young woman who I recently discovered. When my daughter sent me this after a chat we had one afternoon, I thought this wisdom came from a much older person. I read it and it resonated deep within. It might speak to you too.
“Invest in soul things – the ones that rise in your chest and fill your eyes with light. Expect hardship and doubt. Cling to purpose and joy. Time is willing, but not bountiful. Know that it matters, that you and your soul things matter”. Later she adds; “Soul things are not selfish. They are a gift. They are purpose and provision. They are life giving and life changing. They can be uncomfortable and fear provoking. They can cause doubt and discouragement. They are worth the full spectrum of feelings. It is never too late. You are worthy of them. Don’t forget that.” B.Oakman
the road to somewhere 